I found a wonderful person on the internet 3 years ago, but he was separated from his wife and decided to go back to her. So we recently went our separate ways after the most heavenly two year relationship. He felt it difficult to start afresh with me for a variety of reasons including his age, despite the deep love we had for each other, and I have to respect that. But what a fellow and what a friendship, especially as we were chalk and cheese in every sense of the word: culturally, racially and in philosophy!!
The passionate feelings are still there between us but I have to move on, I guess. But I would not have missed the journey for the world. It all adds to our learning experience. He certainly provided the litmus test and yardstick for what makes me happy in a relationship and I give thanks for it. That’s why I am so certain of what I want now and feel good at having the skills to detect whether it is there or not in any potential date.
The 4 Reasons for a Relationship
Many of us do not know this, but people come into our lives for one or more of four different reasons:
1.To teach us something, or for us to teach them in turn – and the lesson could be either positive or a negative wake-up call; AND/OR
2. To guide us out of a depression or bad patch in our lives;AND/OR
3. To build up our confidence to deal with the next person in line – who could even be the big one for us – AND/OR
4. To be the genuine article – our long-term soulmates or partners.
So hankering after lost loves in bitterness, anger or vengeful hostility is the worse thing you could do to yourself. They have served their purpose and moved on. It has to be accepted with LOVE and FORGIVENESS for your life to progress too.
I thought David was the real thing because of the intensity and length of the relationship. But, he was type No.1 and 2 – there to teach me about real, unselfish love and guide me out of my crisis while I taught him an alternative view of life. And boy, did we learn!! He will always be a beacon for me. I thank him so much because I am a different, much better, person now than when I first met him.
However, the main problem with seeking a new partner, with meetings which flounder and with many relationships which end up being shorter than expected, is that most people believe every person they meet and like will be the BIG ONE, No.4! But nothing could be further from the truth.
The trick is to let that first contact gradually reveal the nature of itself without too many expectations, while taking an interest in that person. Instead of just focusing on yourself, be detached, yet reciprocal, to give yourself some enjoyment and happiness in the learning process. Often we are too busy focusing on our needs, wondering how the relationship is going to shape up that we miss the early incompatible signals. But they are ALWAYS there!
For those in failing relationships which are proving increasingly unhappy, let it go! You have both done your jobs and are merely preventing each other from carrying on your work elsewhere, from personal self-fulfilment or even meeting the REAL one. Painful, I know, but it is really about choices and results. The ones you want for your life. If you have genuinely tried to keep it going without much change, hanging on will only lead to a bottomless pit of unhappiness and frustration which robs you of self-esteem and makes you feel worse. If you are not being validated and affirmed, you will feel awful, which shows in your actions and body, making you unattractive to others.
One of the first tell-tale signs of an unhappy relationship are people who rarely smile, with haunted looks in their eyes and weighty bodies! It never fails. But they don’t even realise that’s how they look! I weighed 157 pounds during the last months of my marriage. Today I am a slim 135 lbs and my confidence and happiness know no bounds. Proof that letting go of a dying relationship creates space for something new and, more likely, something magical.
You could be surprised at the outcome!
A former boyfriend, from whom parting was mutually agreed, recently came back into my life, as a great friend and handy shoulder, having dealt with his own issues. I was appreciating this new comfortable friendship between us when he said out of the blue, “You are a really gorgeous lady.” Top that if you can!! And thanks for that Jas. You made my day – and the feeling is most reciprocal!
When we let go, it is ALWAYS for a good reason which is not visible at the time and the rewards are usually unexpected. We just need the courage to ACT.